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GOOD ENOUGH TO BE PUBLISHED?
NEED A LITTLE POLISHING?
GIVE UP?
To find out what to do, have your typescript professionally assessed
without fear or favour!
Some Sample Evaluations and Comments ....
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Here to Read about Keith De Lacey's Blood Stains the Wattle
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My evaluation of this novel does not appear on this page.
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Evaluation Sample 1
Title: Deleted
Author: Deleted
Evaluated by: Dr Cath Filmer-Davies
GENERAL COMMENT
In my view, this material is not yet ready for commercial publication.
There is much to be said in favour of the work: the plot is fascinating,
the material provocative, the relevance to contemporary times quite
obvious. That said, however, the work needs considerable revision
and some painstaking re-writing to bring it up to standard. The
overall writing style and standard is fine; there is much published
which is not as well written. But there is a need for not only close
and meticulous editing but also for some rethinking and rearrangement
of the material.
Suggesting all this, however, is by no means to imply that the material
does not justify the additional work. Most successful authors admit
that their finished, published product is ‘version 4,5 or 6’
– and in some cases, versions eight or ten.
In sum, the material deserves a tighter treatment than it is presently
getting at this stage, and I hope the following suggestions prove
helpful.
PLOT
Your plot, involving the ‘dump’ in Wales, is excellent.
Your flashback technique is well done. What drags it down and makes
turgid going of it all is your need to explain large chunks of military/political
history. My suggestion is that you compile a Postscript or Foreword
to the book of some 1,000-1200 words which concisely and clearly
set out the background from which you are drawing. You can, if you
like, add some references to other publications, histories, or even
newspaper articles, to which your readers might turn if they want
to enlarge upon their own grasp of the history. Keep your main story
to the plot at hand, and don’t become bogged down in the background.
I know I kept having to discipline myself from flipping the pages
to where something was happening again!
STRUCTURE
There is a strategy for beginning a novel called ‘the narrative
hook’. That is, the novel must open in a way which captivates
the reader immediately. A description of the weather and the Peugeot
travelling along the road doesn’t do a lot to capture the reader’s
interest. Forget the weather and the car; your second paragraph
starts the interesting bit – a dogfight over the dump during
the war.
Try this opener, then:
Heinrich Schmidt banked his Dornier sharply to evade the spitting
machine guns of the pursuing Hurricane. The Dornier had jettisoned
its lethal payload over open fields north of Worcester; and Schmidt’s
only purpose at this moment was to outrun the Hurricane. He had
no idea that, in doing so, separated from his squadron, that he
would discover one of Britain’s best-kept secrets of the war
– Cyfiander Garw Royal Ordnance Factory, affectionately known
as ‘The Dump’.
Schmidt would discover it by accident; but as far as the Luftwaffe
was concerned, its secret would die with him in his burned and gutted
aircraft as the Hurricane’s stream of bullets rent the Dornier’s
engines and forced it to crash, a fireball hurtling to ground on
a remote Welsh hillside.
Tip 1: Hook the reader. If you don’t do it on page
1, paragraph 1, they won’t be reading if it sparks up on page
42 – they will have dumped the book immediately.
Get right into the action – but a word of caution. How
relevant is this to your story? Will it become part of the plot
later on? (I don’t think so – so you have two choices
– make it relevant or leave it out.)
Tip 2: Omit anything irrelevant, even if it is fascinating.
Include everything that is relevant.
Having hooked your reader, you must now maintain your pace so
that you keep him/her. You can’t let the story flag for a moment.
You have Mike recalling the ‘dark days of 1990’ –
so why begin with the war? Why not begin with some event in 1990?
You alone can work out what material is absolutely relevant, but
you must decide with an eye and an ear on what will grab the reader’s
attention and keep it. That is your aim.
DIALOGUE
Your dialogue occasionally does mirror the character – the
ones with a regional accent. But your main characters all speak
alike. Your opening dialogue on page 4 is lifeless; try this:
The security guard looked in and sized him up. ‘Can I help
you?’
‘Mike Donahue. I have an appointment with Mrs Sandra Jenkins,’
Mike said.
‘Mrs Jenkins is expecting you, Mr Donahue,’ said the guard,
checking notes on a clipboard. ‘The Old Laboratory Building
– over there.’
‘I know the way,’ said Donahue shortly. ‘I once worked
here.’
Feeling the guard’s curious gaze on his back, Mike parked the
car and locked it. The guard remembered him, all right. And all
the trouble, back then. But what the guard could not know was what
had brought Donahue back after all this time.
Donahue himself was not completely sure.
You need to get the character’s motivation and nature into
the speech. Look at this, for example:
Lena was a tall, red-haired woman, whose temper matched her hair.
She had been with the firm for ten years, but felt that she had
been passed over for promotions in favour of the dolly-bird Linda,
whose blonde hair and voluptuous bust made her popular with Dave
West, the boss, despite her lack of intelligence. And Lena was angry,
because Linda had lost the key documents that would have secured
the firm an important contract with an American agency. Even Dave,
normally complacent, was angry with Linda, and Lena took the opportunity
to let Dave know what a mistake it had been to promote Linda in
the first place.
Those are your working notes. Here is the dialogue:
‘Lost?’ snapped Lena, tossing her head so that the red
curls shook. ‘You’ve lost the Challinor papers? You mean
you didn’t lock them in the safe – as any idiot would
routinely do?’
Linda hung her head, her dyed blonde locks revealing the stain of
dark regrowth. ‘I didn’t think …’ she muttered.
‘When do you ever think?’ Lena shot back. Then with a
glance at Dave, she shot her bolt home. ‘Mind you, what can
we expect? The MD wanted a bimbo in the job – not someone who
can think. Luckily, some of us do think – even if we are not
recognised for our capacity to do so. The Challinor documents are
safe, Dave.’
The look of relief on Dave’s face was almost reward enough.
But she needed more from him – and she got it.
‘Promoting Linda was a mistake,’ he sighed. ‘We will
find a way to put that right.’
‘When you have found a way to do that,’ said Lena tartly,
‘I’ll hand those papers over. Think fast, Dave.’
Watch the way punctuation can improve the look and the ‘mind’s
ear’ hearing of your dialogue. Take your example on Page 112:
Now look at this rewriting:
‘The register is up-to-date except for the samples from production
that came up this morning. But they are here. Like a lot of other
things today, they’ll be delayed because of this inspection.’
Mike raised his eyebrows. ‘Huw can see for himself, Roy.’
Huw took the register from Mike and glanced at it. ‘So, Roy
– why haven’t today’s samples been entered?’
he demanded.
‘We haven’t had time. It’s a mess here,’ Roy
muttered.
‘Very well. Show me yesterday’s samples,’ Huw instructed.
‘While I am checking them, you can enter today’s into
the register so that I don’t have to report this – oversight.’
His tone was heavy with sarcasm.
Roy opened a red cupboard and pointed to a row of shelves inside.
‘Yesterday’s samples are here,’ he said sullenly.
You can see that the hierarchical structure is well established
here, with Roy acting as most men would having been caught out in
an error, and the other two speaking with authority.
Your characters have to speak and act because of who they are,
what they are like, and what events are provoking them. Think about
people you know – how do they behave when angry, sad, in authority?
Are they consistent? Are there word patterns which you associated
with them? Can you say, given a group of sentences, that ‘this
sounds like Joan or Jim – but this doesn’t’? What
characteristics are there in your speech? Right – you must
give your characters speech patterns that will tell us that this
is Roy, that is Huw – even if you do not identify them.
I have also marked long passages which could well be removed –
how relevant are some of these things to your story? What do we
learn about the character development of Mike and Sandra? Their
relationship?
SETTING
You obviously know your setting very well. You record the passage
of time; but it would be excellent if you could relate your dates
to other world events. For example – November 21, 1990 –
Margaret Thatcher resigns from the Prime Ministerial contest …
etc.
CHARACTERISATION
As I mentioned under ‘dialogue’ there is a tendency to
have your characters the means of telling your story, rather than
presenting them as credible people with whom readers can relate.
Sure, Mike gets drunk now and then – but what about Sandra?
And really, what about Mike? What excites him, pleases him, angers
him? You need to know this – by making notes – so that
you can show Mike reacting consistently in different situations.
Which brings me to my final tip – a great rule and one most
applicable to your work –
Show, don’t tell.
By this I mean, rather than having long pages of explanation, show
us what happens – in flashback, as it applies to people’s
lives; in conversations between people; in people’s reactions.
Long pages of history or explanation are just plain boring; but
just as a demonstration tells us more than a whole lot of words
about how something works, so too does the acting out of a situation
tell the reader more – and more entertainingly – than
pages of text.
TONE
Your tone is heavy – and I realise that this is not a comedy.
But Shakespeare puts comedians in the middle of his tragedies –
and so must you. There must be some joking, some mildly funny incidents,
to lighten the heaviness of your overall plot. Doing this means
that the important messages you want to convey in your book will
be all the more memorable, and it means that variety also encourages
the reader to keep on reading.
SUMMARY
I realise I haven’t read through to the end. However,I can
tell that the tone needs lightening in places; the pace really must
speed up a bit – keep things happening, and relegate anything
that slows down the movement of the action to a postscript or appendix.
Don’t let huge chunks of explanation hold up your story. Much
or it can be put into conversation, recollection, a bar-room reflection
over a large Scotch; but don’t leave it as pages from a history
text slowing down your plot. Make it move! Doing so should reduce
your novel to the preferred 70-90,000 for a first novel, but more
important, it should lift up the narrative so that it grabs the
reader’s attention and keeps it throughout. This material strikes
me as a first draft; there is much, much potential there for a best-selling
thriller, but it hasn’t got that quality yet.
Do not be discouraged. The best writers have all been rejected many
times. The best writers get in there and work at their craft –
just as you would if you were painting the masterpiece. And why
not? This has the potential to be a masterpiece. You have done the
rough pencil sketches. Now get ready to work on them, keeping what
is essential, throwing away all that is irrelevant, and keeping
always in mind the reader who must part with £12.99 for your
hardback novel.
I am confident that you have the ability to do this. Good luck.
Thank you for letting me see this typescript.
Dr Cath Filmer-Davies
TITLES AND AUTHORS' NAMES HAVE BEEN DELETED
Evaluation Sample 2
Title: Deleted
Author: Deleted
Evaluated by: Cath Filmer-Davies
THIS AUTHOR WAS NOT HAPPY WITH THE EVALUATION, BUT TOOK UP THE
OFFER OF THE ONE-HOUR CONSULTATION WHICH IS INCLUDED IN THE PRICE.
THE AUTHOR THEN PROCEEDED TO REVISE THE TYPESCRIPT CAREFULLY AND
IN PARTICULAR TO FOLLOW THE ADVICE BELOW. THIS NOVEL WAS PUBLISHED
BY AN AMERICAN FANTASY PUBLISHER, DELL.
1. Plot and Structure
The essential story of the runaway monk who finds himself in a maze
of intrigue and magic is both intelligent and interesting, although
it seems rather derivative rather than original. By this I mean
that the influences of other fantasies are quite obvious and tend
rather to make the movement of the plot predictable: from the monastery
to the group of helpers whose trust must be won, to the wise-woman,
to the defeating of rivals, and so on.
The narrative flow is rather lugubrious as well. The author has
a bright and interesting style but the repetition of sentence fragments
and other stylistic devices can also be intrusive and detracts from
the movement of the narrative.
Description is generally handled well and the dialogue is credible,
although a little flat at times. The emotional states of the various
speakers is a bit hard to detect in the rigidity of the 'olde worlde'
language. Still, not so olde worlde that they don't meaning 'accessing'
power and strength -- which is a bit of an anachronism.
Overall, my feeling is that this typescript shows potential from
an author with a very decisive gift and flair -- yet neither has
reached that point at which publication could be likely. The 'flatness'
of the story seems perhaps to hold it back from the enthusiastic
flowering it seems to be demanding. The author might care to take
a few risks with the 'formula' and add elements of her own imagining.
The feeling I had all the way through was that the style somehow
is shackling the narrative and the plot. Maybe the faux-medieval
language could be dropped without too much difficulty. There is
no real time or place given for the setting, although that too is
a bit of a worry, since Wurms and Ulm are real places. If there
is meant to be a satirical allusion to Martin Luther and the German
churches the link isn't quite clear enough. As a reader, these are
the things I want to know in a story:
* where?
* when?
* why?
* what?
* how?
* who?
Motive must be clear. I am afraid that I didn't feel that this author
answered those questions, and more seriously, did not create a world
in which I could, as Tolkien says, 'will to believe'. But this is
not meant to denigrate or to depress the author. What I hope these
remarks will do is to create a fire in her imagination which will
burn across her pages in enthusiastic, compelling prose. I am sure
she is capable of it. She needs only to release it.
Characters:
Similarly, I feel that the characters are wooden. Mainly, I feel
this way because the language constricts them. Fantasy ought to
be Bildungsroman as well as adventure, and consequently we readers
ought to be able to trace, follow and share in the development of
the 'hero'. There ought to be a sense that the hero, whoever s/he
is and whatever her/his quest, is maturing, learning, growing, developing
... through sacrifice and through hardship and struggle. The other
characters seem to be rather functionaries than real people with
burning motives. Why are they doing these things? There must be
a why to every action: lust, greed, hatred. But what has caused
these emotions in the first place? The mere fact that Berek has
run away and foiled Sextus is not enough; there must be more to
the enmity/rivalry between them.
Length:
The typescript is too long, really, for a first novel. Well, having
said that, a long typescript has a chance if it is a compelling
'read'. This one moves slowly and is just a little turgid. Fantasy
does not have to be ponderous -- in fact the best fantasies keep
a reader on the edge of the seat. In Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings,
the actions moves fast. Lengthy explanations should be avoided,
or if essential, added in an appendix. Tolkien knew that. I think
this story needs to balance its own legendary constructions with
what can be readily explained and apprehended without long explanations.
Moreover, it is the mark of a good author if subsequent developments
in the plot can be 'foreshadowed' -- that is, hinted at -- early
in the plot. Begin with Berek's visions of the sword and the imprisoned
soul within it -- give him a reason for wanted to get out of the
monastery as well as the general lack of decent ambience in the
place. Have Sextus receive intelligences from his contacts outside
-- set up the opposition straight away.
Summary:
This is an author with real ability, who needs the opportunity to
allow her imagination and her talent freedom from the restraint
of quasi-medieval language and rigid formulaic writing. I think
in this story there is the germ of an idea which ill work very well
if it is released from the inhibitions and constraints that are
binding it into turbidity and turgidity. It needs rather more character
development and the clear attribution of motive so that readers
can identify with the characters and 'enter the secondary world
...' (Tolkien again!)
Having said all this, however, discouragement is the last thing
I intend. I emphatically encourage this writer to rework her material
and to see how it looks after a few further drafts. It might be
encouraging for her to know most good authors write many drafts!
(Yes, me too -- and even of this report ...)
Dr Cath Filmer-Davies
Evaluation Sample 3
This author was pleased with the evaluation and set about re-writing
it and then having it edited. He self-published and was pleased
with the sales he achieved.
Title: Deleted
Author: Deleted
This is overall a very readable and original piece of work. It
has a credible and timely plot and well-drawn characters. There
are. However, some areas where some further work might be done.
PLOT
The plot and the driving theme of sheep deaths are original and
interesting, and give the reader an insight into the workings of
the small Australian community and the public service. While the
plot moves well in parts, it is severely hampered by the long accounts
of meetings and a general lack of action. The occasion when Caroline
determines to lose her virginity is riveting, but this kind of action
gets lost among the minutiae of the boardroom style meetings and
turgid conversations. My suggestion is that, with some of the meetings
(especially in part 2) you summarise them -- the one at the beginning
of this section -- could be shortened without damaging your story
line. But my best suggestion is that if you have a meeting, the
proceedings ought to be either disrupted by action or action ought
to follow. Chases, fisticuffs, explosions of temper, espionage,
would all add to the plot. When Tony finds Joanne with the slob,
the situation is much too quiet. Although Tony is no fighter, he
could at least react after the event. My only other comment about
the plot is that I would change the name of the disease: Sudden
Ram Death might be taken by some to trivialise sudden cot death
syndrome and you shouldn’t risk alienating readers. Now it
only needs a slight change: VRD -- violent ram death ought to do
it. Or something of that nature.
CHARACTERISATION
Generally you do this well. Your men are typical public service
types, and even the interminable meetings are good reflections of
the PS world. But ... in the circumstances, it is likely that their
rather boring personalities might come apart a little bit and that
therefore explosions of temper and intrusions into each other’s
work would be likely. I know you do this a little, but the action
is too slow and deliberate. The characters are too passive -- too
much talking and not enough movement. How about some encounters
in the field with irate farmers/graziers? How about antipathy from
the town about the ‘government men taking over’? How about
some sabotage of the research station by local farmers, jealous
that the PS has the money but the farmers are losing it as their
rams die? (That sort of thing.) This could move that troublesome
middle section along and give you a chance to show the more active
side of Brickie and Tony and Paul. Caroline, too, needs to come
up a bit. The self-hatred bit doesn’t quite work. I would make
her more sensuous and attractive so that men find her desirable
but unapproachable because of her brains. The grandmother issue
works but I think it is a bit overdone. Caroline, now free, might
even develop a mad and reckless attitude to life -- wanting to live
it to the full. In any case, the attraction between Paul and Caroline
can be played up a bit, so that the ultimate seduction scene can
be a little more exciting. (I am sorry, but I would gone to sleep,
as Caroline did -- you didn’t give the episode its full potential!)
These are minor details that can be livened up throughout the existing
text. See my marks in the margins.
STYLE
Your style is as always fluid and readable with the mark of the
assured storyteller. I have marked up some of the pages with minor
points as I went, but the major change which will save you hours
of editing time is merely the en-dash rule. Turn your hyphens used
as dashes ( - ) into en dashes ( -- ) throughout your text! The
typesetting program, or even a decent word-processing program, will
automatically turn -- into an en-dash.
SUMMARY
Overall, a book worth working on. I strongly advise some rewriting
of the middle section. If you want the book to remain at this length,
then you must encourage the reader to stay with it. I got really
bored with the meetings! I suggest that there be some action, a
chase, an investigation, confrontation and movement in this second
section rather than sitting around and talking. Sure, action would
stir up PS types who are used to a quieter existence ... but for
once they are in the firing line and the whole agricultural economy
is at risk!
My best suggestion is to cut the middle wordage by about half,
which will bring you down to around about 500pp of typescript. You
are still looking at about 400 pp of printed pages; I’d even
recommend cutting it to 250pp (yes, we can run on the chapters to
accommodate more words in that page length; so say 350pp of double-spaced
typescript).
The strength of this book is its originality and fresh plot. Its
weakness is the slow second section and lack of movement/action.
If you would like me to edit it, as a regular client you are entitled
to 20 percent discount.
I appreciate having the opportunity to read In Sheep’s Clothing.
Cath Filmer-Davies,
Red Dragon Publishing
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